A Natural Solution to Divorce

"If I could I would keep this feeling in a plastic jar"

Attention: I am not the permanently depressed individual that my blog would suggest. I smile more than I frown, and I laugh more than I cry. My blogs are merely a consequence of testosterone poisoning; that, or the product of the overly-emotional hip hop on constant play in the stereo. My Prozac has come in the mail. I am ready for an afternoon of drug induced laughter.

I have stripped of my clothing. The heat has wrapped its thick arms around the room, the fan labors, Lucy Ford is in the player, and my fingers are ready for the day's admissions of guilt. A bottle of Warsteiner sits by my side. I am in search of penance.

Divorce Rates in America

50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri."

According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

You shake your head. Your thoughts turn to the possibility that this is another melancholic blog. But no, push that sigh back in between your lips, I have a improbable cause and an unrealistic solution to the divorce epidemic.

I have developed a theory, you may say "stole", but I say developed, regarding attraction and scent. Apparently men and women are attracted to one another by scent. There is a more accurate, but equally complicated way in which to explain this law of attraction, involving the role of pheromones, but I received a C in Biology. I find it humorous that I pick my or sexual partner, or "mate" by his smell; but I digress. This theory of attraction gives a whole new meaning to the word sexy. When asked why I believe my boyfriend to be sexy I shall respond with "why, it is his smell." According to an article I read in Esquire, discussing this exact theory (ban plagiarism), the author states that he does not wear deodorant or cologne. He claims that his wife appreciates his natural scent. I rolled my eyes and wrote off this man as an advocate of a hippie revival, but then I spoke with some family members (to be left unnamed) and they too do not wear deodorant or scented perfumes. They do however bath regularly. I assume that most are like myself and find this strange, if not slightly appalling, and so I accuse us of creating such an increase in the divorce rate. Since I am not receiving funding for my research, nor am I a conventional researcher, I will discard any of the other variables that might have contributed to the spike.

Men: Do you wear cologne?

Women: Do you wear perfume?

Yes? Stop now.

My pseudo-research has found that men and women place a handicap on their search for a mate by wearing cologne and perfume. You may think that a spray of bottled seduction on your neck and wrists is aiding in your search for a suitable mate, but in truth it is actually hindering it. By masking your natural scent with a $50 bottle of sex appeal, you are certain to find only a department store approved mate. This purchase may lead you to find yourself unhappy and divorced in less than a decade, with the $50 bottle as the culprit.

In a revolution against the overpriced scent industry, let us toss our deodorant and perfumes. Let your natural scent reign free. I am not an advocate for the end of shaving, nor infrequent bathing, only for the smell of skin. Talk a walk over to your loved one, take their arm and breathe in. Do you want to pack your bags or go to bed?

I will end my affair with powder fresh deodorant, and sever ties with my collection of scents. For the sake of my future marriage I am going to rock my instinctive scent. Only she knows the man who belongs in my bed.

I lie and I deceive. Vote for me.

I want to rest my head in the folds of his shirt and breathe in an artificial smell. There is no sweeter than the scent of perfume along her collarbone. Bring on the ex-husbands caught in the web by my store bought scent of white lilies.

"You're a part-time lover and a full-time friend."