Come be platonic with me

"You see dudes and gals can't be just pals unless the guy has a lover or he's gay."

As a result of the recent undue reports, and subsequent beliefs, of my sanity, it is time to address the frivolous question of my mental state. A hangover Thursday morning is no time for matters of importance. I should add that I take all forms of criticism as gospel. Therefore, the answer of my sanity will be unattainable for the parties concerned, for one cannot know if I believed I was insane prior to the criticism, or as a consequence of the criticism, and thus we have a conundrum of the sorts. Enough of your verbal dancing and on with the answer you say?

Ladies and Gentleman, the question: Am I crazy? The simple answer: yes. The complicated answer: yes.

But is insanity not sexy? Please refer to Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction", Heath Ledger in the "Dark Knight", and Josh Hartnett in "O" – case in point. There will of course be the argument made that these example are in film, and not worthy of such a use, but I bring forth the too little used term "malarkey," and say the movies always do it better. Can we strive to live like the movies? I sure do.

Let us talk about men instead, because they are like the salty grease left on your fingertips after a gorge session of the yellow bag potato chips –your lick of them both delicious, and a sign of poor manners. For all my fellow lurkers out there: you may have heard my profile song, and hijacked the element of surprise. Don't tell your neighbor, for there were little kids who did not dare look for the presents in the closet. I was not one of them. I believe in life that women have seniority over men, regardless of who Genesis claims was created first, and thus I present a discussion of man as a function of woman.

Can women and men co-exist in a platonic relationship?

Platonic: purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, esp. in a relationship between two persons of the opposite sex.

I was dubious to write on this topic. I am sure it has been done to death, but this is the zombie version, complete with crude language, and unconventional ideas.

I believe Josh Martinez said it best when he said, "I'm a dog and I wanna bone." This is the first, and the most widely accepted explanation for the natural phenomena of opposite sex friendships. They are unrealistic and only viable in the proverbial Utopia. This is because men like to stick their unmatched and uniquely male part into things. I say "things" because I combat insomnia with Youtube binges, and I have seen some interesting examples of "things." By this interpretation, male-female friendships cannot exist as a platonic entity, for the man will undoubtedly want to put his (insert crude word for male genitalia) into the (insert crude word for female genitalia). That is unless he is gay. However, Josh Martinez was incorrect when he said "…unless the guy has a lover…" We live in an age where even the local pastor is allowed one extra-marital affair. I would be a hypocrite myself to critique this blatant display of religious hypocrisy. I live my life by the motto "sin and confess later."

For the XY beings who now hurl accusations of man-hate at the computer screen. Please read the paragraph below. This is the alternative explanation for the phenomena, and one I give as a tribute to the men in my life.

Platonic relationships are not feasible because the woman involved wants the man to put his (clears throat) in her (clears throat). In a variation of this perverted outlook of the woman, the woman half of the friendship is insecure, possessing "Daddy issues," and desires to be surrounded by men who will shower her with attention, while she contently sleeps at night with the thought that he wants to put [it] in her, but which she will never allow. I invoke Josh Martinez for his unrivaled ability to explain the viability of a male-female platonic friendship, "I don't wanna be your Daddy, but you would rather be fathered."

Did I mention that I have a surplus of male friends? It must be the "Daddy issues."

Where was the crude language?

"I'll be here drinking a beer, looking around, holding it down, and thinking of you."