Yeah Man

"Ran away from the backyard to drift some more."

May I be a know-it-all for one fourth of one half of a humid Chicago moment?

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-19960301-000030&page=5

Nationwide bans are soon to be placed on perfume, cologne, deodorant, and now birth control. I however will be buying stock in Trojan.

Since landing in Chicago anxiety has tightened its unyielding grip on my already fragile mind, and my idle hand has been forced to the medicine cabinet once more. I sit now clutching a bottle of Xanax between my bouncing skinny jean wrapped thighs. If my hands are preoccupied (in this case it is by the laptop) my legs gather the slack left by their engrossment. All words implying an assemblage with the word family preceding produce anxiety in an abundant amount. The anxiety manifests itself into kitchen floor pacing, wringing hands, and frantic texts to those friends with calming qualities. The spelling in these texts is unthinkable and the grammar appalling, but two states of mind allow for misspelling and grammatical errors - and those are: drunken and anxious states. Luckily, fortunately, God Bless-ingly (whichever implies the most relief) I leave for Milwaukee tomorrow where my levels of alcohol consumption will not be monitored and I can direct my family induced anxiety back into the harbor.

A good friend of mine suggested last night – via the phone – the widespread use of marijuana to combat such uncontrollable fits of anxiety. Before I could formulate a counter argument he shot, "besides you self-medicate with prescription drugs." "But, uh, well, that is different," meaningless words fell from my foaming mouth. I argued that I had a prescription, a small slip of paper covered with scribbles and a letter head, which made my high both legal and society acceptable. He argued marijuana could cure many of today's "problems" (quotation marks assumed) requiring prescriptions, less the negative side effects. I was intrigued albeit unsure of his authority on these matters. We ended the conversation secure in our opposite corners of the ring – the pothead vs. the script-head.

Prowling the internet, as is customary to my evenings (and mornings), I came across a MSN article ranking America's most medicated states. For those interested: West Virginia was the most medicated.

http://health.msn.com/medications/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100212410

I entertained the notion that many of the prescriptions required by the West Virginia residents could be replaced with joint and pipe. I dialed the previously mentioned friend and discussed this rogue thought with him, ironically while he himself was smoking. He listed back pain, amongst other forms of body pain, anxiety, and insomnia as examples of the "problems" he had spoken of earlier, and those which could be treated with an herbal remedy. I contemplated a future shrouded in a cloud of weed smoke as he inhaled a deep breathe and blew into the phone. "Are you feeling more relaxed yet?" I scratched my nails against the receiver and flipped the phone shut hoping that I had somehow tainted his au naturale high.

And so I ask: Pothead nation anyone?

It is truly unfortunate that weed-search conducted with humans would be considered unethical.