Demons

Confessions of a Scalawag

"A few years ago an ex-girl of mine asked me to keep her name out of my rhymes"

Names have and will be changed in this blog to protect the excellence of those mentioned, or lack thereof.

I have just read a blog titled Myspace Won't Make You Famous. Click on this here for those curious types. I mean not to insult by the following sentence, I only want to spread the seed of my opinion. I'm not sure how she managed to collect a fan base of such a great multitude, but in the same breathe I admit that I too read her blogs. I want, in a response to this blog, to say that I don't believe Myspace will make me famous. I wish it would, but I am dumb, not a rock. I write my blog because it keeps me sane, and I have no desire to see the inside of four padded walls. I can admit that it would be easier to keep a pink journal under my mattress, but I derive a sort of pleasure from knowing others are reading my words. I am after all only a product of the egoistical nature of humankind. If I could have my way I would be a genetically engineered cross between Tila Tequila and Perez Hilton. I would be the union of all that is internet whoredom. Now let the first ever Confessions of a Scalawag begin.

Side note: Could someone please explain when I use italics, and when I use quotations for literary titles? Wait....are blogs literary titles?

The Demons Within

This is my first confession to you. I have a set of demon twins that live inside the cupboard that is my mind. They are a sadistic pair, balanced in their ability to inflict what I avoid. They are the protectors of all that is evil, doubt, paranoia, self- doubt, and envy. Like masters to a slave they drive me to write. If I ever become the journalist/novelist/screenwriter I so desire to be, I will only have the twins to thank. They made me write this blog, on pain of a night of over-analyzing and anxiety if I should refuse.

I watched the film "Definitely Maybe." Shit. Do I use quotations or italics, or neither? I need to begin a twisted affair with an English professor. It is a shame I love my boyfriend far too much for such a relationship to exist.

I also watched Penelope. Only those who have seen this film will understand to what it is I will now refer. For those who have not, well, my apologies. As I sat watching the 48 inch flat screen television on the back of the leather backed plane seat, I thought maybe I have a nose like Penelope. Sven (my boyfriend) plays my love interest that does not seem to care that I have a nose resembling that of a pig. In the film, the main character named Penelope (shock) is blown back by a gust of wind from an unknown origin, and pronto, a new nose appears! If only winds with unknown origins would appear in Denver. Instead I will have to spend upwards of $4,000 to replace the winds with the knife.

“Definitely Maybe” was a terrible idea on my part, even more so than the comparison of my nose with the one of Penelope. I knew this as I scrolled through the films. I skipped over it numerous times, intentionally trying to conceal its existence from the twins, but then the twins awoke from their drunken slumber. They were hungver and angry. Against my will I selected Definitely Maybe. As soon as it began my doubt stepped up to the plate. I had seen the previews for this film, and I sat watching with the frown of foreshadow. I began to doubt the possibility of committed relationships as the first scene ended. I lost faith in my belief that the ambitious can be in love. I wondered if there could ever exist a successful, genuinely happy, and in love couple. I dismissed the concept of mutual love, and affirmed my belief that I would always love Sven more than he will me.

At the conclusion of the film….Wait, let us begin again. After I exited the film after only the first thirty minutes, I sat in a stupor while the twins rolled on the floor with laughter. I called a meeting with the two. "I want to find the right person," I pleaded. I tried to tell them I had, but they shook their heads and reminded me that they would never allow this. I sat in the chair before the royal pair sat upon their throne. My eyes remained downcast as they dished out their royal decree.

Twins: There is too much temptation in the world for monogamy.

Marissa: But-

Twins: You will forever be torn between wanting the permanence of marriage, and abhorring the very thought of it.

Marissa: That's not fair-

Twins: You will fear that your happiness will fail, your husband will leave you, and you will forever debate you preference to live a life of loneliness.

Marissa: Wait-

Twins: We curse you with the fear of the inevitable end, and worse, that you and your partner will only be "comfortable."

Marissa: (sigh) alright

P.S. Gas is $3.82. I'm taking the bus.

"Welcome to the Jungle"